Why is it so difficult to forgive?

In this video, I talk about the difficulties we usually encounter when trying to forgive and the necessary steps to allow a real healing process to happen.

I would really like to hear your experiences with forgiving. Please, leave your comments below.

In healing and awareness,

Luis Diaz

60 Comments

  1. Gordo says:

    I really like this video because the body is so important in the process. Ahd, it has its own timeline to release. In my experience, only presence and taking responsibility instead of blaming others does time give body the chance to release the guilt, shame, resentment and anger. Thank you, Luis!

    • Luis says:

      We’ve been programmed to be victims and need rescuers, therefore its easy to stay there.
      Taking responsibility is quite a new thing for us culturally. But possible!

  2. Teresa says:

    Great video! I personally find it easier to express my feelings through words, tell the person who causes them as loving and kindly as I can … But it isn’t so easy to experience and release my negative feelings through my body.
    Lately I’m starting to think that many of the things that cause me negative feelings are caused by false perceptions of reality, and that my body knows it, as if the need to forgive were coming from the mind, not my deeper self. My body, my “real being” is aware that everything is fine as it is, but my mind insists on making me feel bad …

    Personalmente me es sencillo expresar mis sentimientos mediante la palabra, decírselo a la persona que lo provoca de forma amorosa y amable- al menos lo más que puedo… Pero no me es tan fácil experimentar y liberar mis sentimientos negativos a través del cuerpo.
    Últimamente me da la sensación de que muchas de las cosas que me causan sentimientos negativos son causadas por falsas percepciones de la realidad, y que mi cuerpo lo sabe, así que la necesidad de perdonar es como si me viniera de la mente, no de mi yo más profundo. Mi cuerpo, mi ser sabe que todo está bien como está, pero mi mente se empeña en hacérmelo pasar mal…

    • Luis says:

      Yes, our mind is programmed with beliefs that create more and more turmoil in us. Nice description Teresa. Thank you!

  3. Imelda Barrera says:

    Me encantó el video Luis, por primera vez en mi vida estoy sintiendo los sentimientos en mi cuerpo, sigo practicando. Esto del perdón me ayuda mucho. Te lo agradezco mucho.
    Cómo estás? Te mando un beso.

  4. Shera says:

    A gentle, and always valuable, reminder, Luis. Thank you for the video, and for keeping us aware of what is important. I’m starting to read your wonderful first book. So grateful you are in my life, have been my teacher, and continue to bless our community.

  5. Debbie Magee says:

    Luis, this is a very peace-inspiring video. I felt very peaceful after watching it. Terrence the music is beautiful!
    The programming/conditioning to be a powerless victim and also keep it inside and not talk about it was very strong for me. I was taught by my culture that this was being responsible. Don’t complain; don’t talk about it. So, I still have to some degree negativity lodged in my body due to the defense mechanisms of my conditioned mind to protect me. But I am very consciously working with my body and appreciating it.
    I did a little ritual with myself and thanked my conditioned mind for its “protection” and realize that it was doing the best job it knew how to do for me, but that I’ve learned a better way to release the toxicity of this negativity lodged in my body. The old conditioned way is outdated. I forgave my mind (the ego mind) for its past “protection” as I realized it did not really know what it was doing to itself.
    This is severing the link with the old programming to disengage from the feelings in the body. Now my higher awareness connects directly with my body as a navigational system, with feelings and inner knowingness being beacons that guide me. When the conditioned mind gives off old alert signals that try to draw me into the old unconscious conditioned mind patterns, I see them early on, thank them once again, and bid them farewell. Slowly the conditioned patterns are fading more and more. For me this is forgiveness within and without.
    At first, forgiveness was hard because I thought it was an outward act toward someone else only. I realize it is an inner process of my own awareness of deeply moving energies within me and how to acknowledge, express and release them. Once this process begins within, then the outward forgiveness toward others is really not even a reality anymore. There is nothing there anymore to forgive. I do lots of reading, listening to CDs, watching DVDs, journaling, and even writing on the internet to help me. I search out others to be with who understand this process. This is how I found Luis. I do have to make a space for it but it is easy to do because I am compelled to do it by my inner calling. It is a spiritual journey to peace and joy and love.
    Thank you, Luis!

    • CMR Admin says:

      Hi Debbie;

      thank you for sharing your processing and inner workings with forgiveness. Is inspiring to me all the ways we have to experiment with.
      And again you mention self forgiveness here. As is above is below!

      Big hug to you!

  6. Boris says:

    I read a great structure to forgiveness in Dorothy Rowe’s book called “The Successful Self”. It’s rather practical in nature as in there are steps that go with coming to the moment of forgiveness.

    The other part that needs examining is resentment. That’s something that we can do a lot about, as in respond to our emotion of resentment with grave (humble) responsibility and with grace and consciously. If we hold onto this pain inside then something about it is addictive and has its own pay off.

    There is the suffering that leads to peace if we surrender, and there is a suffering that is s sick form of being bound to shame. A thick veil can often stop us noticing this.

    Ultimately forgiveness is about forgiving one’s self.

  7. Gary says:

    Hello Luis –
    To forgive is not the “problem” with me. I have never held grudges against another person. However, I do bruise easily with feelings of hurt, and of course having the underlying feelings of anger not immediately recognized.
    With 78 years of learning, I am more adapting to the process for healing.
    Once that I overcome the initially shock of what I perceive to be an attack I am able to acknowledge these feelings with understanding they are rooted in the past. Armed with this recognition, I then release the memory to the cosmos.
    Reality is in the moment (to moment), and constant awareness of this truth can quickly dissipate the negative thoughts that feeds ego.
    It is a slow process for me to integrate the badly wounded inner Child with the present Adult. I feel the blessing to come to earth into this world through a mother albeit weak in form gifted me her capacity of Love to forgive easily. She passed on when I was five years into this human experience.

  8. Glenda says:

    GRACIAS, THANKS!!!! OUR BODY IS CONECTED WITH NATURE!

  9. Rose Walter says:

    Rose Walter says:
    It needs honesty to forgive ourselves first before we can forgive others. I think that to see in someone else a pattern which we deslike is nothing else than the reflection of our own behavour and doing. Meditation is a good way to start and a very powerful healing process. The next step will be outside of ourselves – the step to forgive others.
    Posted by Rose Walter

  10. Marguerite Barnett says:

    Part of forgiving is being able to forgive yourself when you are unable to forgive! There may be a very valid spiritual reason to be unable to forgive. For too many people forgiveness is this thing they are expected to do and all is well. Unfortunately some things may never be well. What happened has rent the fabric of the universe and no effort can restore it or if it can be restored, there are terrible scars. Does this mean we can never be healed? NO! Forgiveness in this context IS the process of healing. i think what Luis is talking about is that we must let go of the trauma in order to proceed with our healing. If we stay in the fire, we can never get over the burn. When i was a small child, i had a very hard time relaxing and going to sleep. If someone had said to me, “relax,” it would have meant nothing because I COULD NOT DO IT. So my father instead did an exercise with me every night to help me relax. He would tell me to tense up every muscle starting with my toes and working upward. “Hold it as long as you can!” he would say and then when he saw me tiring he would tell me to let go. Only in that way was i able to relax. So maybe if you are unable to forgive you may need to forgive yourself!
    Posted by Marguerite Barnett

  11. Ana says:

    Great Video, a perfect introduction for the new book. I Can’t wait to have the book with me. Thanks Luis for all your teachings every day.

  12. Honey Malone says:

    Thank you for this very valuable information Luis. Yes, it’s good to be reminded of the mind-body connection.
    If I feel angry about something, I like to write about it, crumple it up and put it in the bin… the body’s actions being connected to the mind…
    Forgiving ourselves as well as others is a good way to get rid of that negative energy that we could put to much better use.
    Lovely music and you have such a nice French accent – keep up the good work!

  13. Terrence says:

    wow….I have a hard time with fully forgiving certain people in my life, especially if the issues have been there since childhood. It’s really just communication with my mother and father. I think the longer you hold it in your body, the harder it is to let go. Thank you Luis for bringing up such powerful insight to getting to better places in our mind/body/soul! Debbie….thank you for the compliment on my music!

  14. Jim says:

    I really think I have diminished my self worth because of the disrespect I have felt from my extended family. As the father and head of the household my opinions are dismissed at most times. Now it requires much effort to speak up to express what I feel is important. Oftentimes I am ignored. This may be partly due to another language being spoken in the house for which I am not familar. Perhaps I don’t express myself in a way that’s appealing to them. The tone of what I say may be the only thing heard. Some individuals who speak little English become non-verbal and act out their feelings. These actions may be annoying and invconvenience me. They can also create tension and resentment. It is hard work to confront these people in an assertive manner in order to gain their respect. At the same time I need to explain how their actions affect me and make requests of them. Expressing the positives will be important for this to happen.

  15. Terrence says:

    I would also like to mention that, at least for me, a lack of forgiveness comes from fear of rejection and just fear in itself. I guess I could say fear causes (for me) a lot of “stuck” energy. The good news is the awareness of it….that’s a good start.

  16. Mariana says:

    I have an issue with abandonment. Nobody abandoned me, but I always felt that my mother did not love me as I expect a child to be loved. Now, I am very conscious about it, I analized my mother’s childhood also, and where it comes from. I over analized it and I remember everything, I can feel the feelings and remember the dreams of being alone in the night in an empty city crying for the attention of my mother. I am wondering if pain the in the hips has something to do with it.

    • CMR Admin says:

      Hi Mariana;
      They say that pain in the hips may correspond to anger stored in the body in the form of resentment.
      I dont know if that helps in any way.
      Thank you for sharing your experience

  17. CMR Admin says:

    Hey Luis,

    Thank you so much for that gem of a video. Watching it was very helpful and each of the four steps spoke to me in some way — especially the parts about accepting my unforgiveness and connecting forgiveness w/my bodily experience. Please send me similar videos in the future.

    Hope you are well!

    Simon

  18. Valentin says:

    That’s true Luis, emotions play the most important role in our healing process & in all our creative process , Why? Because the heart is the source of our vital energy the seat of the supraconscious (the womb of creation ) & the heart comunicates & process in feelings, not in abstracts words or numbers ,in the Bible Scriptures is well advised by King Solomon in his proverbs.. “Above all take care of your heart (emotions ) cause from within comes the issues of life . Good job Luis

  19. Dear Luis,

    Thank you for letting me know about your video on forgiveness. It is very good. Forgiveness is a powerful tool, though in the mind of Universal Mind there is never any need to forgive anything. But for ego’s mind, it’s necessary until we become One with God-Mind and know that all is Well. I have seen forgiveness work miracles in my line of Spiritual Counseling, raising the vibrational energy of my clients. One father was on his death bed, couldn’t speak anymore, but telepathically communicated with me to be a vessel for his voice through his Higher Self to her daughter in asking for her forgiveness. He had molested her along with his brother when she was very young and never admitted they did anything wrong/inappropriate or harmful to her. The mother knew about it and did nothing. During the session, he cried, was angry at her, told her he never did anything wrong. Eventually, through me he begged for forgiveness and said he didn’t think or see how she could forgive him but thought he’d ask through me anyway. She did forgive him and the negative ties were cut-off right before our eyes instantaneously. He died not 2 days later at peace.
    She come to my office because of olfactory problems, she couldn’t cry and passages were all blocked. Being at the emergency hospital all night did not help her so she called to see me. She was not allowed to cry all her life – and the body responded to that stored up energy – just as you point out in the video. Once the forgiveness session ended, she could breathe easily and effortlessly and her energy was allowed to flow harmoniously. Until we realize as a people that no one, nor no thing can harm us unless we allow our centeredness be taken away, we will need the tool of forgiveness so we stay well mentally, physically and emotionally.
    To reinterate, the video is a great tool, I loved it.

    Daya Devi-Doolin
    Award Winning Author
    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/padaran The Only Way Out Is In Show

  20. Sandra says:

    Gracias Luis, todo lo que estamos compartiendo en los cursos, desde el primero de profesion y dinero, junto con el basico de CMR ha ido ayudando en este proceso de sacar todo el dolor, y poder asi perdonar.
    Maravilloso tu trabajo y las herramientas que nos brindas para romper viejos patrones.
    Gracias otra vez!!

  21. Max says:

    I find that a big reason I can’t forgive is when i am (partially unconsciously) afraid that if i forgive i will get hurt in the same way again. In other words, the feeling that the lack of forgiveness protects me from getting in the same situation again, and that forgiveness will make me vulnerable.

  22. CMR Admin says:

    Valerie says:
    Regarding your VIDEO, I don’t know why I find it so easy to forgive. I am grateful that I find it such a simple thing to do. It certainly has never served my to hold on to anger and resentment and I think that it all comes down to learning how to understand one another,deep listening and learning ways to communicate that serves us well. So many times I have found that negative feelings are a lack of compassion for ourselves and others. If we could imagine the others point of veiw, I think it would be easier to forgive one another. I appreciate that in your video you shared your own struggle to forgive. It is honest, personal and allows people to feel safe. I think you spoke very clearly about the ways and whys we hold on to our feelings of not being able to forgive. I would like to see more examples of how you help people to change their thinking and their feelings. I think that would give people an incentive to want to experience your work.
    Be well my friend. CONGRATULATIONS on your book in english!!! Yea!

    Singing My Truth!
    Valerie Lowe

  23. Marion Gilbert says:

    Awareness and willingness to admit that forgiveness has not happened around a hurtful or painful experience requires the capacity to stay present with the pain.
    Our sub-and unconscious mind automatically protects us from feeling it fully.
    In my experience forgiveness is a process of discovering that when the charge held in the body in response to feeling hurt has been allowed to move, forgiveness arises.
    The four steps are helpful in that sequence and can take a certain time to complete, since it doesn’t seem to be a linear process. Therefore to recognize the steps and come back to another layer can be clarifying.
    The capacity of the neurobiology is limited and can only process a certain amount of discharge at the one time. To acknowledge the fight, flight, freeze response to protect us from overwhelm might also need its proper place.
    Self compassion, taking enough time, reaching out and going inward for resources, giving total permission to all the feelings have been important ingredients in my forgiveness journey….. as it continues.

    Thank you, Luis, for being a resource in our community.

    Love,

    Marion.

  24. Gysette says:

    Very nice. Eventually forgiving is a natural process. For me I ignore and distance myself from that situation or persons who caused me the pain, when it comes up again, i find that i am wiser to forgive yet, will never forget. I am going through a similar situation now in that I feel exactly as you describe in your video. I hope with time something or someone else can replace these thoughts so that i can move on in life.

  25. beata says:

    Dear Luis,

    Thank you so much for sharing this video with us…

    I was just wondering whether – on a practical level – tapping on specific meridian points while focusing our thoughts on our feelings (i.e. feelings of anger and resentment in connection with the person we are unable to forgive) would help in the process…

    With gratitude for your continuous help, Luis!

    namasté,
    bea

    • CMR Admin says:

      Hi bea;
      In my experience, the tapping releases the pressure in the meridian, therefore the discomfort decreases.
      In most of us it is created by an emotional od physical wound in us.
      I’ve observed that if that wound is not healed, the tapping is only a superficial approach that doesnt last long.
      Thank you!

  26. CMR Admin says:

    Mark Sheffer:

    Hello Luis –
    Thank you for bringing up this important topic for discussion. I help people release negative emotions as a part of my work. I do it here in my office and also remotely by phone or Skype. While there are many ways to forgive or to release negative emotions, I learned a method that is extremely effective and digs deeper than many other methods and as such has tremendous results.

    Thank you for pointing out that emotions we choose to possess are stored in our bodies and these negative emotions have a bad impact on our health and our happiness. As you suggest many people are only starting to understand that. Some people once they realize this, they can let it go. Too many others just move on and let it stay stored in their body doing damage without their awareness.

    Sometimes they want to release it fully, but have trouble doing so. They may do many things about that particular feeling for that particular person to try to release it and yet it remains. Bad feelings are like weeds.They usually have roots beyond what you see or are consciously aware of. I have heard it said recently that 95 percent of all illness, disease and imbalances are due to stress (bad feelings) that we did not release ourselves and that the other 5 percent is stress (bad feelings that we have inherited) from out parents and ancestors. I really believe that and find that to ring true in the work I do. I use Applied Kinesiology, Attunement, Body Code(developed by Dr. Bradley Nelson), Brain Integration and a few other things to fully pull out bad emotions root and all from people. The roots often lead to triggers from their childhood or their parents childhood or other places in their being. The nice part is they do not have to relive anything, write anything down, do acts of contrition or anything more than let me guide them into releasing it electrically just like it was stored originally. We don’t often think of ourselves as electromagnetic beings consciously, but unconsciously we know we are. Just grab a hold of a fence that says high voltage and ask anyone to grab your hand, would every one turn you down ? Yes, because subconsciously we know we are electromagnetic beings and that we can form a circuit. Just like a computer uses circuits to store or erase data, we to can use circuits to do the same. No wires or drugs required. All we have to do is to connect physically or energetically and then I can use what I have learned to load the bad feelings and their roots into the circuit between us and release them. For more information on what I do check my web site out at http://www.shefferassociates.com

    Thanks again for bringing this up, God Bless you.

    Mark Sheffer

  27. Tabatha says:

    Luis,
    The video is excellent — do more!
    Also, your book is absolutely wonderful and it’s really in good shape. I was surprised and glad. There are just a very few things to let you know about, and I’m more than half way through it. You’re doing great work! Namaste

  28. Tomo says:

    Interesting what you just said about tapping releasing pressure but not healing the original wound. I’ve used EFT in the past with good success but the old emotions seemed to return after a couple of years. I’ve spent a while now learning about the emotional dysfunction we suffer with, and what fascinates me is the ‘painbody’ and it’s side effects. It has been a real eye opener when trying to understand people’s behavior that seems unexplainable, especially with pathologically abusive people and also with self destructive behavior. As for forgiveness, I sometimes feel perhaps one aspect of the trouble we have letting go is due to our belief systems, I feel a lot of westerners are unconscious materialists who don’t really believe that existence is a fair system of regulatory laws and harmony. They only see the short term and see ‘bad’ people prosper and ‘good’ people suffer, so when some one does them wrong, they feel this will go un punished unless they punish the person themselves, even if this punishment only involves them feeling resentment and ill feeling towards the person.

  29. Dear Luis
    This is a great video about “Letting It Go.”
    I agree with the concepts you put forth, and we can achieve an actual Planetary Healing for all of Mother Earth and her inhabitants by allowing this forgiveness to take place bringing the awareness of everyone into The Moment Of Now, not the future, not the past, but The Now Moment.
    I really enjoyed this, keep up the great work.
    Stay Gold Always
    Love Johnny

  30. Shawna says:

    My mother was an alcoholic and I had a very difficult time forgiving her for the “things” I felt she did to me. I held on to this anger and resentment for years and it became the “script” of my life. Everything I did and who I was revolved around what my mother did to me. All of my negative emotions were tied into this belief that my mother wronged me, and I could not escape from the prison walls that I had created around me from these beliefs. Finally, when I was in my 40’s, I was able to finally forgive my mother. The reason I was able to forgive her is that I was able to finally see her as a human being, and have compassion for what she had gone through in her life, and the losses she had suffered. Several times before I had tried to forgive her by saying to myself “I forgive my mother, I must forgive my mother” and this did not work. Once I was able to connect my emotions to my words, everything fell into place. When I was 45 years old, she became very ill, and was unable to speak. I looked into her eyes as she lie in the hospital bed and our spirits connected. There were no words, we just understood. She never recovered and died several days later.

  31. savannah hanson says:

    I have been reflecting on how the body’s response seem to give beliefs greater validity given the physicality of the reaction to various situations. The body’s reactivity seemed to “prove” that one has truly had been harmed, making forgiveness more challenging.
    My ten year old daughter just asked me why she isn’t as happy as she was when she was younger. As very young children, we stay in presence and nothing causes us to move out of the joy body. As we get older and we notice discomfort, we look for a source- if only someone or something were different, then I would be happy. To move beyond the bodies response to the mind- perhaps this is the final frontier to forgiveness; to really get that it is our minds that hold the reactivity and then to let ourselves and others off the hook, recognizing no harm was actually done.
    In yoga my teacher calls certain postures “goal postures.” Forgiveness is a goal posture as we unravel the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual layers of the judgment to return to our original nature. Thank you for the beautiful tool of CMR which helps train us to enter into the pain body and take responsibility for our own pain and beliefs, freeing us from the need to project judgment. For me, CMR is one of my most valuable tools on my journey to freedom.

  32. anne marie says:

    Thanks Luis,
    I realize the importance of forgiveness in my life, rarely getting angry, let alone staying angry, because I can feel, as you mentioned the “toxicity” of the negative in my body(mind and soul)…BUT when I feel somone has really “wronged” me, or I see a gross injustice done…I have had difficulty forgiving…I want something “BAD” to happen to them…Two years ago I got kicked out of nursing school by a teacher I deemed VERY unfair..I must admit, my lack of forgiveness kept me awake at night, and made me emotionally ill. When she subsequently was fired as a teacher, I was finally convinced of the fair.ness of the universe and able to move on..

  33. anne marie says:

    I wanted to thank Shawna for her reply went through a very similar life experience w/ my mom…so glad you were able to let go before she passed

  34. Bea says:

    Sometimes the anger is so powerful, huge that forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness is an easy concept for people – outside looking in. However, the person who is/was victim has to process those emotions to get pass to get healed. Anger is not a welcomed emotion in our society. People feel uncomfortable around angry people. However, no one seems to offer solution they run away from anger.

  35. Luis Diaz says:

    Thank you all for your participation in this forum. It really helps to have different angles to the subject.
    In my experience, including the body into the equation is central to the transformation of the negative feelings that keep us in the state of un-forgiveness. When the mind and the body work together we have a real symphony and harmony is the very frequently the result!

  36. Tina says:

    Thank you for sharing your video on forgiveness. Your insight regarding the process resonates as truth, as I have actually utilized these steps in my own personal journey of growth and healing. Great Awakening for me was the moment I realized that Forgiveness is not only a process, but a CHOICE. Choosing to forgive people that I percive have hurt me has allowed me to heal many emotional wounds.

  37. Ann says:

    Hello Luis

    Thank – you for that video. I know its true. For me the toxic repetitve emotion is more a kind of grief. Well – that may not be totally accurate – but that is certaintly a part of it. Its hard to say what it is except its bad. It comes up when i feel rejected or not good enough with someone I love. Its come up pretty much all my life – same feeling – identical. I would love it to go away forever. I have to forgive whoever is criticising me or seemingly rejecting me – at the time I guess.

    I would love to know how to do this – for myself first of all and also if I learn how to do this I would have something pretty great to pass on to others.

    I really want to learn this – thanks Ann

    • CMR Admin says:

      Hi Ann;
      I hear you. I had a similar pattern for many years, until I discover that I was very critical with myself and rejecting myself.
      Changing that habit, changed the whole picture.
      Give it a try and see what happens…

      Luis

  38. Macaya says:

    Maybe because we think that the other do no deserve our forgivness. Maybe we say : Why I am going to forgiv is xxx did this to me ? Oh no!!!

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